Stop Touching Me

ok, so anyone who knows me, know that i'm preggers. I'm here to set the facts straight about all of those myths that people spread around about pregnant woman. And also to educate people about how to act around us. FOR GOD'S SAKE! if you really don't know how to act around a pregnant woman, you must be a freaking dumb ass!

First of all, don't come up to me and start rubbing my f***ing stomach! i'm 4 1/2 months in, so i have a little bump showing now.

I don't like for random ass people (or even people i know) to rub my stomach!!! What woman wants to be reminded that she's getting fat? People just walk up to me and rub my stomach as if i was a f***ing Buddha statue saying "OMG, i love pregnant bellies! i love seeing how big they get. so once i see one, i have to rub it!".
You don't see me running up to little 12yr old girls, rubbing their boobs saying "oh, they're getting so big! i just had to come and rub them!" It's the same thing with a pregnant woman! respect that we have personal, private boundaries! what the hell do i have to do to keep you weirdos away?

And for reals, in my opinion, you must be pretty sick and retarded if you're one of those people who go around asking pregnant woman if you can rub their belly. Like asking first makes it any better. Imagine someone asking you, can i touch your feet with my tong?

It's very awkward... how do you say no without the dummy feeling bad. then, one time, i did tell a stranger that honestly it makes me uncomfortable when people touch my stomach. This lady gets all offended! as if my body was public property! she starts ranting on about how God gave me this blessing and i should share it with the world! ok, i'll share my blessing with the world. Who wants to watch my kid from 10pm- 6am? you can join in the joys of changing, feeding, and rocking my little blessing. What? no takers? then WTF would i let you just walk up to me to rub my stomach? the baby doesn't know you, and trust me, it can't feel you. all it does is irritate the hell out of me.

Next on my list... stop asking stupid questions! Here are a list of the stupid questions i get asked during pregnancy # 1-3

1. Who's the daddy? (I'm married, so we know it's the mailman!)
2. Do you want a girl or a boy? (Not like i have a choice anymore)
3. Are you gonna let the pregnancy run it's course and deliver naturally? (do you let your diarrhea run it's course and go away naturally? Hell no! They better have morphine ready when i get to that damn hospital! I wanna be so drugged that i can't remember what year it is!)
4. Do you want to video tape the birth? (yeah, i really want to remember all of this nasty shit coming out my ass and then a baby covered in who knows what pops out! Yippy!.... oh, and i really want to have  a video of my Va-Jay-Jay... yeah, that way when little Juan Pablo Jesus de Maria Ferro is 5yrs old, he'll find it and ask what he's looking at.
5. And my personal favorite... people ask "What are you going to name it?" I tell them Rufio Juaquin Jesus Christ Pedro Pablo Ferro.... and then they suggest other names! WTF... are you going to buy diapers for my kid? no! so why would i even for a second consider naming my kid after your great grandfather who invented the Butt Scratcher?!?

  Now, here are myths that woman seem to believe while pregnant

1. Even if you're pregnant, you still look cute in a bikini (Trust me, you don't and you make everyone feel weird... just stay indoors during the hot months! the less you show, the better!) 

      2.  You should do pregnancy photos! They're a great memory! (Trust me, no one will want to see them,   so if you do do them, do it on your cell phone, then erase them! Don't hang them on your wall, or hand them out!

     3.  Once the baby is born, put breast milk in the baby's eyes so that they will stay blue/green! (If you don't already know that something is seriously wrong with that, you must take the special bus, wear a helmet on it and hold the emergency kit! for reals!) (this is what will happen to your kid if you do do that)

    4. Don't cut the babies nails or hair in the first year of life, or they will become mute! (Trust me, this isn't true! I tried it and my kid still won't shut up!)

    5. If you conceive on a full moon, you're gonna have a boy! (Lies! I did, and this is what happened!)

So, i hope that this helps you few stupid people out there who really don't know anything about pregnant people. And remember, if a you piss a pregnant person off and she hits you, we can say it was self defense or a hormonal outbreak. (so Circle Circle Dot Dot, Now I Have My Cootie Shot!)

Thanks for tuning in again

Love
eRiCa