My Wish List

So, i was driving home from school, and i got to thinking... i have a lot of things i wish i could do or accomplish. And i think if i write them down and share them with you, i might get closer to fulfilling my wishes. let me know if you have any advice.

• I wish i could eat 3 Taco Bell Supreme Combos AND a whole chocolate cake with chocolate mouse filling with fresh raspberries and a nice ganache icing... this isn't the pregnancy talking... i just really wish i could do this without having to go to the ER after. mmmmmmmm chocolate cake! (fun fact: i use to hate chocolate! it wasn't until i got preggers with my first daughter that i began to like it. something about the enzymes and bacteria in your ass... you think i'm joking... it's not a joke. hahaha talk about a chocolate ass) lol 

ohhhhhh baby! it's like a dream come true!

Stop calling Justin Bieber gay! She's a lesbian!

• I wish i could transform myself into anyone in the world... not to get all the celeb perks and special treatment... so that i could make an impact on people's lives! imagine the impact it would have if i transformed myself into Justin Beiber and went to a junior high school... exciting right? now, imagine how those little girls would react if i yelled out on stage (as Justin still) "I'm GAY!" those tears of joy would soon turn into depression, anger, confusion... i think it's what pre teens need to go through early in life to mature faster. 

BUT the #1 reason i would do this would be to go find all the people that have pissed me off, turn into their favorite artist... then slap them. then walk away. see, if i do it as myself, who cares! but if Snoop Dogg comes and beats the shit out of you... that leaves an emotional scar that is priceless.

• I wish i could fly. so i could stop wasting so much freakin money on gas and be able to buy thing i haven't been able to in years! like new shirts, school supplies, steroids... you know... basic every day things

• i wish i could tell people to their face how ugly i really think their kids are! yeah, you heard me... i think most of your kids are ugly! it pisses me off when people tell me, "OMG! this better be your last one!" excuse me... last time i checked, you never buy my kids diapers, clothes, pop them out of your who-haa! but i realized why they say it... my kids are so freakin cute... your kids look even worse by comparison. hey i got two things to say to you... #1- natural selection: the beautiful kids will always win over your bucked tooth, cockeyed, beast you call a child. #2- sterilization: you don't have to have more kids. you'd actually be doing the world a favor. I on the other hand will have as many kids as i please since I'M THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF THEM, DUMB ASS! hahaha

  

  yeah, these are your kids

  

  and this is when you sterilize yourself!

  (i don't post pics of my kids, because i have strangers look at my blog too! but God my kids are cute! look nothing like me!)

•  I wish they still made Velcro shoes for adults! I mean, what the hell?!? it's like they get you use to velcro when you're little, then... all of a freakin sudden, you go shopping for new shoes cause your about to enter 1st grade... and you have to learn to tie shoe laces! WTH?!?! That's just messed up! Why would God give us things to make life easier if he didn't want us to use them? Shoe laces are cool, especially if you can never tie them right and they become undone and you trip and fall and hit your face. then you look like a bigger dumb ass! And double knotting isn't cute... and you know what... while i'm complaining about shoes... why can't i get cartoons on my shoes anymore? who says i don't want to where snow white on my shoes... with glitter... and lights... and that cool goop that would change colors in the sun (member thoses?) yeah... that's what i wish for!

• My last wish is... when i'm old, on my death bed... i want my family to bring me all of the best narcotics, alcohol, and anything else that will trip me out. I've never tried anything in my life (no joke). not even cigarettes. so when i'm almost on my way out... i want to go out with a bang! i wanna be so tripped out on stuff, that when my soul is in front of St. Peter, my eyes will be squinty, my soul will smell of pot and booze, and he's going to be so intrigued by how happy i look, he's gonna ask me for a hit. oh yeah! lol

  

  i wanna go out like this guy

  Thanks for tuning in

Love,
eRiCa

How to Please a Man

So, I've seen a lot of woman confused as to why their man cheats, or isn't sexually attracted to them as much as she would like. So I have some things for you to think about, to really analyze the problem and hopefully find the solution.

Now, I have NEVER considered myself a looker, hell, i'm still convinced my man is blind. But i found some tricks that work for me to keep my man happy. And in the process, I'm happy too.

Let's start talking about particular problems some of my friends have and possible solutions

Your boyfriends always check out your friends and want your friends to tag along with you guys. 
Here's a couple suggestions. Get rid of your friends! Or do what I do, I have friends that my husband doesn't know about. The only ones he knows are the ones that make me look better by comparison. Keep your cuter friends for when you need to get into a VIP section, but then ditch them the rest of the night to hang with your ugly friends again. Everyone wins!

Friends only you know and get into the club with

Friends you introduce to your man so he never wants to go clubbing with you and your girls

 Your man is always late coming home

I suggest you teach your ass to cook a decent meal! Now-a-days, woman can't cook! Listen to what your grandma told you when you were younger, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That bitch on the side might be better in bed, but I'm telling you... after working a long as day at work, he'd much rather go home to a hot homemade pot roast with roasted veggies and garlic mashed potatoes, than to some whore who is gonna give him a Big Mac w/ small fries... chances are... that bitch doesn't have a job and he'd have to pay for it... so yeah, he'd go home to you.

Hey, if you got the confidence to try this, do it! I'm sure your man will rush his ass home for this meal. This is sexy....

This is not! Don't try this! If you're confused as to what i'm talking about... look at the buns!.... ohhhh, you got it now? good, don't try this. i'm telling you from experience, i got grease burns on my ass still, and i could never find that damn pickle!

Your man is never really "in the mood"

STOP WEARING SWEATS TO BED!men are visual, keep it sexy!

This is soft, silky, comfy, acceptable

This is sexy

This is sexy

This is self explanatory

If all else fails... 

-get his ass hella drunk! He will tell you he loves you so many times, it'll make up for the fact that he cheated on you twice with your cousin.

-become so rich, it doesn't matter if he's with you for the money, you'll have your trophy bitch (make sure he signs that pre-nup!)

-my personal favorite... get into a relationship with a foreigner. you need a companion, he needs his green card. you get married, have at least a kid or two before his 2yr temporary visa is up, after the 2 yrs, he'll realize that child support is so expensive, it's cheaper to stick with you and little Pablo. It's a win win!

If anyone has anymore relationship questions, feel free to ask me.

Thanks for tuning in

Love,

eRiCa

 

#1 Man

So, I decided to dedicate this post to my husband. He really is the greatest guy in the world. And since I know he's never going to read this, I thought I might share with you why he's the greatest. Now, this isn't going to be a sappy lovey-dovey hallmark post.

Reasons my Husband is the Best:

• He's money smart! Every Friday, when he get's home from work he does one of two things before he even says hello to me. He either hands me his paycheck, or he shows me the deposit slip. We all know this is the way God intended things to be, so why fight it! Men, just hand the money over!

• He always knows the right answer! Which means he always agrees with what I say.

• He picks his battles. He knows he'll never with a fight with me, so he takes out that frustration out on others who he knows can't beat him. Ex: Bitch slapping the cashier when they give him the wrong change, or yelling in a baby's face when they won't shut up. Hey, I'm not gonna get into the only battles he's ever gonna win... because technically, once i jump in on the action, I win the battle.

 

•  He understands that "NO" means "NO"! ex: "No, I didn't make dinner tonight!", "No, I don't want to go to your brother's house!" "No, your weird ass friend cannot come over to watch the game!"

But, in reality, my husband is the greatest. Respectful, hardworking, honest, loving, and overall the only man i can ever imagine myself with. so, to him, i dedicate this blog post. i love you babe, and like i've always said, I will always be faithful to you... unless Robert Pattinson comes around, then I'mma jump on that train.

Thanks for tuning in
Love,
eRiCa

Pebble Beach 2011

So here is the very first picture I took at Pebble Beach. The view was always beautiful beyond imagination.

Some may ask... "What the hell is this?" Well, we find it mind boggling that rich people actually have someone go into the bathroom to pint the toilet paper.

And after having someone wipe their ass for them, they can wash their hands in this gold sink. The person who wiped their ass... well, they just splash their hands around in the toilet water a bit until their shift is over.

6months 3 weeks and i still look good! hahaha

I'm glad i got to room with megan, because had there have been a natural disaster or emergency of some sort, this woman brought enough food and supplies to feed an entire pueblo in mexico.

The black suite case, purse, plastic bag, and a back pack are mine. i felt very under prepared.

we ended up switching rooms with someone. so megan found the dumbest pack mules she could to move her stuff for her.

no, this isn't safeway, it's megan's snack cabinet, which she ate like 1 thing from. lol

Yeah, i did this, but i mean, if you can't put a cheese platter together... you shouldn't be in the kitchen

this is the view we had from our tent every morning

it's cold as hell on the coastline, so i always wore the best looking socks!

This where we unraveled the culinary magic. we reheated hamburger patties, pulled pork, frozen chicken breasts, boiled hot dogs, and my personal favorite, defrosted and reheated clam chowder! mmmmmmmmm! i feel like a true chef now!

Who is this you ask? Why, it's Ray Romano. and this was a day we could take pictures. lol

Scroll over a little to the right, here's Ray running from a crazy chick in pink stripped socks and a camera.

One of my fave pics because this was a random lady, in the shuttle with us, and yes, that is my hand going towards her ass. and no, she didn't know why we were laughing so hard in the back.

This car counts as a celeb too!

And i've already been asked, why did you take this picture? because i had a camera in my hand and i have mastered the one hand shot... plus, my makeup looked really cute. and i don't think i'm super gangsta with my hat to the side, the freakin thing iches like hell, so i always had it hanging to one side.

These were some of the pro's in the putting green infront of the lodge... and no, i wasn't allowed to take pics of celebs from here on. lol But, i'm mexican and when we see rich white people, we start taking pictures to show them off to our 30 children at home.

I got to see this every night while at pebble beach, and never once did i get tired of it!

He's Katie, on private property reenacting the following scene...

Here's one of the many pictures i got of Oscar de la Hoya. He looks so good in person!!! OMG!!! I saw him 3 days, and every encounter was better than the next! We even exchanged loving gazes from like 5ft away, I smiled like a star struck dumbass, he found it charming, laughed, smiled at me, waved, and the rest is history. We are both currently filing for divorce to be together.

This was the inside of our gourmet kitchen. just this right side

This left side

and the rest we were told not to touch. we didn't even get to touch the bread for the hamburgers. lol

Who is this intriguing afro white woman? We named her Fro-Lo. This is a picture i got while she was being yelled at for being a bitch. hahaha if you worked concessions, you most likely heard what was going on at the MPCC concession tent. let's just put it this way, she's most likely never going to work pebble again

Kevin Costner

What others see as inedible, i see as people being wasteful!

EXTRA MEAT AT NO COST!

Truth is, I'm still taking 6 Peptos a day because of this sandwich

HAHAHA, getting these autographs is a blog post story on it's own. So, if you hear that some celebs go a restraining order on some crazy chick... pretend you don't know where i am

George lopez on the 18th hole. this game qualified him for the finals the last day. and yes, i wasn't supposed to take this pic. lol

George begged to take a pic with me, what can i say. i have to make my fans happy... and i thought the same that you're think right now. DAMN! George is hella dark w/o his makeup! hahaha But ask anyone who met him, he is an awesome guy. he went out of his way for his fans. I met him 3 times too. lol

This has nothing to do with Pebble Beach, but i went to the Black Bear Restaurant, this is how they packed my meal. What kinda BULL is this? i can't get a to go box? they wrapped my shit in foil and put it in cake box! Thatz some BUULLL!

This is Katie, Lacey (our tent manager) and me. This picture isn't so exciting, so i'm telling people Lacey is a porn star to make it more exciting!

Encounter #3 with my boy George, cuz we're tight like that!

Did i take this pic, sure. Think this is a good pic, you should see the video we made. It's gonna be released soon on celebporn.com. i didn't think that the knocked up married type were his thing, but i guess there's a fetish for everything. P.S. ladies.... Oscar's a screamer! lmao

 Here are some pics of celebs I saw, but couldn't get a picture of because of security and press.

Well, i did get one of Kevin Costner, but here's a face pic of him

Michael Bolton was literally 6ft from me when i was crossing the street in front of the Lodge

Here's prof. golfer Phil Mickleson. Katie and I had hella chances to get pics with him, but we kept freakin out too much. hahaha

Sexy Ass Kelly Slater

Andy Garcia

Kurt Russell

Brandi Chastain. prof soccer player. Why this picture? because it grabbed your attention you sicko!

Overall, I didn't get the culinary experience of a life time. But it was the experience of a life time. Never in my life would i have thought possible to be a married, mother of 2 with a bun in the oven, poor as hell, and get the opportunity to go to a location like pebble beach and meet so many celebs. I know that with my determination, I'm going to make it big and make it a regular thing to be amongst  millionaires and celebs. but when i hit it big i'mma treat the riche bitches like crap. just like they did us.

One fool went out of his way to rudely and arrogantly tell Regina and myself "Shouldn't you be cooking for someone right now?" We got out of work early and were enjoying the game. excuse us for still being in our work clothes.

We had comments made, "look, those are the people who make OUR food." "They let anyone walk these streets" and other comments best not to repeat. So here's a warning to you big headed rich people... when you walk into my establishment, i'm going to give you the same treatment you gave me when i was a culinary student. 

Not all rich people were mean, but it's easy to pick out the fake ones. 

Thanks for tuning in

Love,

eRiCa